Sirius Black Decides
by Miss Pessimistic
Summary: Sirius makes the decisions.So if he decides Remus is deprived-Remus is deprived.If he decides Remus is gay-Remus is gay.If he decides Remus needs love-then Remus needs love.Sirius knows how to solve All these things because Sirius decides it all.One Shot


Disclaimer : I own nothing D;

A/N : A VERY POINTLESS One - Shot ;D

I've had this in my drafts for a while and I was just going to delete it but then I thought 'What the Hey! Why not!' and I Published it. Though last time I thought 'What the hey, why not' I wrote 'Of Confessions and Misunderstandings' which made No Sense at all - that's what happens when you type something up 3 in the Morning! I only had 2 reviews and a fave so I was like -Fail ! I'm surprised they understood it cause after I re-read it when wasn't crashed on the bed - So Thanks HPJellicleCat, AKBookGirl, and The French Orchid who DID understand it better than I. So here's another pointless one-shot that I would love if you review for because I took my time you take a minute of yours ! :D

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"Moony, I've come to the conclusion." I said blatantly.

"Which is?" Remus asked, without looking up from his 6 inch essay.

"You - are deprived."

"Of?" he said, still not tearing his eyes away from the parchment.

"Of love." I said, as if it was the most obvious thing.

He _finally_ looked up to glare above it. I just stared back, trying to hide my amusement.

"What makes you say that?"

"I dunno . . . You just - well, never had a girlfriend." I said, the corner of my lips twitching upwards.

He snorted, "Funny of you to say that Pads, considering you never had a girlfriend either."

"Psh - I don't need to be tied down."

"Hm, I feel bad for whoever you're willing to be for though." My stomach fluttered as I thought about how amazing it would be to go out with Remus, and _only_ Remus. I wouldn't be willing to with anyone else.

"So, what's the _real_ reason you suddenly bring that up for?" he asked again, narrowing his eyes as he did so. I gave him a pleasant smile in return.

"Well, I decided - without your permission - that we need to fix that." His expression softened, but then a scowl returned.

"Decided what? What needed my permission that you didn't receive? What are you planning?" he demanded.

"Well, as I said before - you need love."

"_Sirius. . ._" he started warningly, but I interrupted him, "You need love - You poor, poor, deprived, lonely, anxious, desperate, helpless, hopele-"

"Sirius! Your point?"

"Well, I'm _obviously_ going to give you it and solve all these problems."

"And who gave you the authority to do so?"

"Um, I did. Remember I just told you that I decided this without your permission?"

"Right . . . So, dare I ask, how are you going to give me _love_?" he said the word a bit skeptically, as if it was non-existent.

"Well - since you're gay, I've decided-"

"Who said I'm gay?"

"Well, you're not straight - that's for sure. Pansexual? Asexual maybe. Tell me, do you reproduce by budding or fission?"

"What the hell? That's only few plants and bacteria."

"Mm - but you're not denying it . . ."

"Fine, you're right."

"You're _asexual?_"

He rolled his eyes, "No, you're right that I'm gay. How long you've known?"

"Since ever. It's painfully blunt."

"Hm, I wouldn't be surprised if Peter was asexual though . . . Think of that! The 4 Marauder! James is straight, I am gay, you're bi, and Peter would be asexual . . Well, it's possible for him to be gay too - but that would be reducing his chance of finding anyone to zero."

"Well, I'm helping you get your love first - we can work on him later. So, I think there's someone perfect that-"

"Don't tell me you want me to blind-date . . " I gave him a wicked grin, but shook my head.

"No, I think there's someone you know who's even better, he's-"

"Wait - wait! I love this game - I'm going to guess! You give me hints!" his sudden change in mood crept me out a bit, but I rolled my eyes anyways at his childish - lovable- ways.

"Whatever, go on. _Ask a question._" I said baby-like.

"Okay - okay. Wait, give me a moment," and in a few seconds he snapped his fingers, "Right, I got a list of questions now! First off - What house is he in?"

"Gryffindor."

"Which year is he in?"

"Sixth."

Game-over.

"But - but I'm a sixth year Gryffindor!" he said, and I pictured his mind working as a factory as the gears were turning frantically, and smoke was emitting from overwork.

"Yes Moony, you _are_ a Gryffindor sixth year. I'm glad you finally figured that out," and I gave a small clap of congratulation. But he began shaking his head slowly, as if processing the only solution.

"_You hooked me up with Peter?" _he said with disbelief and disgust - though he was trying to hide the latter. I smacked my forehead with my palm and slowly dragged it down my face, while groaning quite audibly.

"_Urg!"_

"Urg?" he repeated with confusion.

"Peter? _Peter?_ _Really _Remus?"

"Well, it can't be James, and that leaves you - but you would never give me the time of day so . . . That leaves Peter. So he _is _gay !"

"URG!" I complained, though it was only one word, I was definitely complaining a lot lot lot more in my head. I got up from my bed and walked over to his bed, where he was sitting with his legs crossed, and his essay sprawled across his lap.

"You're terrible at this whole guessing thing! It _is_ me! I'm going to give you the love you've been missing out of for the last 16 years!" He cocked his head to the side in confusion - as if staring at me was going to give him the clear answers.

"I've had love in the last 16 years. My mum loves me a lot - thank you very much. And you, James, and Peter love me. And my owl that got lost or was stolen loved me a lot too."

"Okay - Moony. One, I'll give you that - your mom loves you. Two, we don't count as romantic love, and three, your owl didn't get lost or stolen - your owl ran -flew- away because you never fed it." His mouth opened a few times, but in the end - it stayed shut.

"Focus Remus. I'm serious now, and don't make that into a pun - or I will slap you into tomorrow. I like you a lot - and I'll give you the love that you've been missing. And not just sexual love - don't worry - I'll give you that though," _Wink,_ "But I'll give you that love where I'll tell you everyday how beautiful you are - or compliment you on being the best wizard of the whole school - or how adorable you are when you blush. Haven't you always been wanting that?"

"Well, no, not really. . . Darn it - Not until now. Never crossed my mind until _you_ suddenly made me feel needy - and all those other adjectives you had earlier. But what's with the sudden interest?" A little hurt poked me in the heart, but I smiled sadly at him.

"Oh Moony, if only you knew how much . . . I've been liking you for a . . . long time, to say. Not my fault you didn't realize it sooner."

"How can you say that? What about all those other girls? Guys?" I couldn't help but laugh, getting me a pointed glare from him.

"Remus, those were kind of . . . Like distractions. Got my mind off of you - and it was nice to get a little good every once in a while." _Suggestive wink._

"Soo, what do you say? Want me to change everything?"

"Don't know why you just asked that," he said as I scooted even closer to him.

"Hm?" I mumbled as I began nuzzling his neck.

"Well - Before, you said that you already decided without my permission. So -" But I cut him off with a nice little smooch. He pulled away laughing. I was confused, why was he laughing?

"Oh Padfoot - how about we just talk first?" I whimpered with disapproval, but only got another chuckle from him, so I gave in.

"Okay - Let's talk about random things!" I suggested. He looked fondly at me, as if trying to figure out a puzzle. But then he nodded.

"I hate first-years." I said with disgust, as if saying the words were filthy.

"Why so? If I do recall correctly, you too, were a first year. Even if it's hard to believe. . ." he mumbled the last part like McGonagall always does to me.

"Because they're _soooo,_ much more annoying than us. I can't stand kids!"

"I don't mind children, but I could never have my own . . ." he said with a sigh.

"Well of course! You're a _boy_! Durr, Remus! Unless you do the whole budding/fission thing. . ." I said, pondering the idea of Remus splitting himself in two, or dropping a piece of himself and another whole Remus comes in.

"No. Sirius. I mean I refuse to. With a girl I mean."

"Why not? If you know - if you ever changed sexual preference and wanted to find a girl to bear your child - why couldn't you have children?"

"Because they might be like me. . ."

"Silly Remus - Gay isn't generic!" I joked, but he only scowled at me.

"I mean my condition. I can never take the chance -"

"I don't like talking! You know Remus - I thought, now that we're together we could get some lip on lip action?"

"Fine . . ." he said, and then snuggled against me.

"Don't you love my decisions?" I said, while I planted kisses along his cheek and neck.

"You're decisions truly are brilliant - even if you are speaking without using your conscience. Most of the time. So I'm no longer deprived of love?"

"Oh - You still are. But I'm going to change it. I decided it."

"So you decide everything for you, me, and . . . Everyone?"

"Yes."

"And what if I decided that you should make love to me right now - would you decide to agree with me."

"Sorry - I already decided that before you even brought it up."

"Shall we start?"

"Mmm, indeed." I began undoing his belt buckle when the 6th Year Boy's Dorm door flew open, and in walked a pink haired James and a terrified Peter.

"Remus - Can you - Holy Mother Fu-" I shoved Remus off me - not very gracefully. He rolled onto the floor, and landed with a thump. He glared upwards at me, and I gave him back a sheepish smile.

"What're you guys doing?" James yelled with surprised.

"I - am showing Remus what love is!" I explained. James pretended to barf and Peter squeaked characteristically.

"And why are you doing that?"

"Because I've came to the conclusion."

"Which is?"

"He is deprived."

"Of?"

"Of love." I said, as if it was the most obvious thing. I heard Remus groan to the left from the floor.

"And what makes you say that?" James asked suspiciously. Remus got up and grabbed his essay, which was folded unevenly and was pushed under the pillow.

"He's never had a girlfriend."

"URG!" Remus yelled, and walked to the door.

"Urg?" Peter asked.

"Urg!" he said, and then slammed the door.

"You were saying?" James said.

"Moony's deprived of love . . . And I make the decisions here. So if I decide that I'm the one that's going to give Remus what he's been missing out of - then you guys better flee from the room or close your eyes. Cause next time I'm not shoving him off. And see what you guys did? You made him leave. Right when I was going to get some!" I complained.

"You're disgusting." James said, then he too, left the room. Peter stood there, contemplating whether he should follow him or stay with me.

"Hey Peter - tell me. Would you happen to reproduce by budding?" The boy squeaked -

And then I was alone.

So I began thinking of my next move - my next (perverted) decision. Because I'm Sirius Black.

And I may be old-school, but bitch I'm the Headmaster there, and I make the decisions.

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A/N : Didn't I warn you it was UltraMegaSuperStupid? What ? I didn't warn you ? Well, leave me hate in a review. Or just leave. Or just Hate. Or just Review.

Told Ya It Was Pointless ;D


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